Dirty dances with wolves
While hunting for a picture of a moose to accompany my last post, I came across images of dead ones. One poor thing had its tongue sticking out, two hunters looking on gleefully. They pissed me off, all from this website (click on the animal names to see their carcasses). Above, two little piggies show off big bad wolves they’ve shot. Shame that they themselves were only shot by a camera.
Patriotism
The official recognition of Quebec as a nation “currently within Canada”, a motion tabled yesterday by the country’s Conservative prime minister, Stephen Harper, would surprise us in England. We think the whole of Canada is still a British province, an extension of Wales.
Want us to leave Iraq? Give us Canada back. The Queen’s picture on banknotes is not enough. We want every moose in this country to have a UK passport.
Hello
Arrived in Vancouver today. Have not updated for a week. Am at uncle’s house. He has a Chihuahua called Lucky. I said what’s lucky about that canine mouse? “Ahh,” he said, knowingly. Sure enough, the dog is well endowed.
Soul bean on tour
VANCOUVER
Saturday November 25
7pm
Kay Meek Centre
1700 Mathers Ave
W.Vancouver BC
Bookings: 604-913 3634
SACREMENTO
Sunday December 3
5pm
Hinde Auditorium,
6000 J. Street
Sacramento, CA 95819
Info: 530-848 9025
TORONTO
Saturday December 9
8pm
Central Auditorium
North York Central Library
5120 Yonge Street
Call: 647-438 3606
MONTREAL
Sunday December 10
Time: 8pm
Comedy Works
1238 Bishop St (cr. St Catherine)
Call: 514-836 7467
Obs
Covering religion
A journalist said to me: “I’m writing a piece about women and Islam and I don’t know a thing about it.”
“Wouldn’t worry,” I said. “That’s the first qualification for writing about Islam.”
Joy of text
Predictive text messages spell my name, Peyvand, as “sexual”. When my mother-in-law got a mobile I sent her a text: “Look forward to lunch on Sunday. Sexual.”
In the timing
Before the Iraq war the British public were told Saddam’s missiles could reach the UK in 45 minutes. Iran poses no such threat. Even if it did, the missiles would be 45 minutes late.
Energy drink
If the Iranians invade Britain, we should kick them out. Fight on the beaches, fight on the landing ground, fight in the fields, the streets and the hills.
What if Britain attacks Iran? Well, if you’ve stayed in a B&B you’ll know the best way to humble the British is hospitality. They’re not used to it. We’ll give them bacon, eggs, sausage, beans and extra toast free of charge. And then we’ll make them a nice, hot cup of oil.
Whole picture
Everything is in place for my wedding, it’s in a castle, I’ve got the best caterers, no bride as yet, but that’s a minor detail.
Insider knowledge
A friend of mine in the Pentagon is confident Hilary Clinton will be the next president, of Iran.
Update
This week I went to Wales for the first time since 1995 when I graduated, just about, from the University of Glamorgan in Pontypridd, a town near Cardiff. A stand-up comic friend of mine had a gig there. It’s was something, going back. The uni used to be called the Polytechnic of Wales but a law came in in the 1990s that anywhere that taught you something could have university status.
There is still no internet cafe in Pontypridd. But it still has a lovely art deco cafe and a train station (called, imaginatively, “Pontypridd”). SatNav, flat-screen TVs in pubs, email, mobile phones, technology has moved on since ‘95, the first year of Microsoft’s Windows. I will write more later, my broadband connection is dead and I am at my parents’. Also, while jumping on to a rock in a brook, I fell on my arse and smashed my i-Pod. Poor i-Pod. It makes a squealing noise if I press it. Gadgets have souls, I tell ya. Dad and his SatNav aren’t talking.
First with the news
The New York Times and El Pais, two of the first with the news of Saddam trial verdict
In 1990, I went to the funeral of the Observer journalist Farzad Bazoft. Bazoft was hanged on suspicion of spying for Israel by Saddam. Still, one opposes the death penalty. Far from the gallows, Messrs Bush and Blair can look forward to a lucrative career on the lecture circuit when they leave power.
Lovely weather
Heard one of these Republican environment experts on the radio talking about how global warming is good for the planet. “Surely you want England to be warmer,” he told the BBC presenter. No, we’d rather you cut down carbon emissions and we stayed a bit nippy. Oh, and while you’re at it, stop bombing other people.
